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(silent appreciation for this comment)

I agree and love that strategy! I just brought it up in another comment before I read this one.

This is the way I’d prefer to use the word “sorry” but I have adapted to using it more liberally for masking and it often takes significant effort to come up with alternatives. Hence this post, really.

I was using apologies as an example and was unclear about the actual point, I think. I doubted my own autism because I know and understand that “sorry” doesn’t always mean sorry and when and why.

And yet I was struggling with the idea of using it that way because it conflicts with my brain and values, and spending a disproportionate amount of time trying to figure out how to write the greeting.

Like spending 30+ minutes deliberating over the absolute least important part of an email due to social anxiety over language use… No, I couldn’t possibly be autistic (/sarcasm).

I don’t think “Sorry is only for actual apologizing” is how everyone communicates, though. It’s a nicety or etiquette thing the same way people ask “How are you?” as a greeting without expecting—or wanting—a genuine answer.

I would prefer not to over-apologize or have a polite nicety misunderstood because it’s awkward, but sometimes it also feels necessary for masking reasons.

But while misleading, my post was about doubting my own autism while spending a disproportionate amount of brainspace on how to write a greeting in an email.

I completely agree. This is why I was agonizing over the email! The whole “It seems polite to say it” vs. “I must avoid needless apologies.”

For the times I feel tempted to over-apologize out of insecurity or shame, my favorite apology replacement strategy is saying thanks instead.

“Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry that took so long.”

“now people don’t know if your ok when you say your ok.”

Well that’s basically the truth right there. I would love if people were considerate of my slow processing and tendency to misspeak, and learned that what I say on the spot might not hold, and maybe they should check in with me later. I didn’t lie— but I didn’t have all the information settled in my head yet.

I do try to communicate my slow processing when possible, to give context to that. If people avoid me because existing with the brain I have makes me “a problem,” good fucking riddance. I don’t need more of those people in my life.

Like, give me some time to think about it??? Why can’t that be common courtesy???

just a funny one:

following instructions, apparently?

as a youth, we had a guest lecture at school (computing) and were given a software tutorial to follow. i completed it and the instructors were impressed, to my absolute confusion.

“i just… followed the instructions?”

“you’d be surprised how many can’t do that!”

in hindsight, i do wonder if it’s a slight autism “perk” just because i think literally and follow instructions accurately so long as they aren’t vague. i wonder if some people will struggle with specific instructions but excel at parsing vague things.

it’s just so funny to me to get complimented on that specifically. but also the student teaching assistant was definitely flirting, which baby autistic me DID pick up on but considered mostly irrelevant to the strange praise??? xD

it does genuinely depend on the people involved. as much as ND’s love to go “ugh, neurotypicals” (myself included) a lot of the stuff we rant about isn’t specifically definative of NT.

in my experience, i have struggled mostly with people who could not imagine anything outside of their own personal experience, to the extent of disbelieving those other experiences exist.

i don’t wish a partner like that for any autist. no matter how much they “love” you and want to “help” you. that is hell. that is death.

but a NT who acknowledges and accepts different inner experiences, and may even be curious about them, could make an amazing partner. they may not instinctively understand right away, but they will believe you. i think that’s a fundamental prerequisite that a lot of NTs lack because they encounter more people who are like them than people who aren’t.

like, i get when you meet 99 people who think the temperature in the room is incredibly pleasant, you might be baffled by the 1 person who is in sensory hell. but many people lack the imagination to think that person is legitimately uncomfortable, and instead think they want attention or something.

NDs are usually the odd ones out and so tend to encounter more people who are different than the same. and so it may be categorically easier to understand that people experience the world differently than us because that is kind of the main social issue we face most days our entire life.

i AM autistic, and you said so many things i wanted to say.

i haven’t seen either show, so i can’t comment on the overall issues, and i’m fully aware that more context could completely change the situation.

but it’s a pet peeve of mine when people make “add-on” complaints or criticisms of a problematic thing anyway— nitpicking that distracts from the actual issues.

ANYWAY, as an autist, my reaction to the “awkward” seen was “omg, i feel you friend.” the music and editing highlighted the way he portrayed himself. it amplified his self-expression.

alex, meanwhile, got a treatment that made him look arrogant, shallow, and obnoxious— which was precisely how he behaved… or at least, that’s one way to look at it. because whether you think alex is “confident and sexy” or “an absolute tool” is actually quite dependent on your own biases and not necessarily the soundtrack.

(alex the bro could be a really fun guy, but my instinct would say that his action reel intro was mocking him, not celebrating him. most reality shows like that are seen as pretty “trashy” in my neck of the woods, and the cast is being mocked by default.)

not exactly a neutral party, here, but i’m someone who deals with frequent imposter syndrome around autism because i’m “not autistic enough.” i am certainly seen as capable and high functioning despite being disabled.

so, people tend to think in terms of good or bad and really struggle to deal with the fact that something can be both things. so a lot of people are confused about how a disability could be something to accept or even celebrate.

and i think that is a huge part of the problem. people go through hardships. that is life. it is regularly acknowledged as part of what makes life beautiful. and the hardships people face are different, and affect them in different ways.

neurological differences are one of many unique experiences that can cause immense hardship and also bring immense joy.

everyone deserves support through their hardships. everyone. but for autism in particular and neurodivergence in general, it’s like— it’s not an isolated thing. it’s not, “if you could walk again, would you chose to? if you could see again, would you get the surgery?” it’s like you said, being a different person. effectively ceasing to exist.

“but so many people suffer!” yes! they do! and they deserve to be supported through that as they are, for who they are— not coercively “fixed” according to someone else’s idea of normal. being regularly told i was malformed from the day i was conceived isn’t going to alleviate any of my suffering, dipshit.

it’s also ignorant to look at a DIVERSITY movement such as NEURODIVERSITY and then be pissy that it’s not one size fits all? OF COURSE IT’S NOT.

someone like your friend suggesting that the things some autists want and need are wrong because other autists need something else is so astonishingly missing the point it’s difficult not to get pissed about it. like, duh! fucking DUH. that’s the whole fucking movement, that there are people who have different life experiences and needs and contributions and that we should stop trying to make everyone conform to a narrow idea of what “normal” is.

how the fuck does that translate to ignoring people’s support needs and suffering.

as an aside, one reason i reject the concept of autism as a disability: i’m autistic and adhd. i can speak (usually). there are autists who cannot speak and are nonverbal. but there are also many autists like me who can speak.

… so while being nonverbal is often associated with autism, it’s not a defining feature. to be autistic is not to be nonverbal, and to be nonverbal is not to be autistic.

this is why i personally feel like autism is a type of person. a neurotype. autists have a lot in common with each other and we also have a shit ton of differences among us, like any other group. there are disorders and disabilities that are more common for autists than allists, but that does not make autism equivalent to those disabilities.

and either way, conflating the celebration of autism with dismissing the needs of our most disabled neurokin is ridiculous, ignorant, and disrespectful to all autists.

like, what, i’m not allowed to be proud of my creativity and curiosity because many autists are miserable? like, what the fuck?