Realized? Very young. Had the language to articulate my experience? Still working on it. From the outside looking in a lot of this must seem like an intentional choice to differ. It’s how my mom approached it, like I was just intentionally being difficult. It’s how people around me approached it, like I was just intentionally refusing to fit in. My only exposure to autism was in the form of a middle school classmate, and we were not similar, so I never expected that my condition was closer to his than to the allistic folks around me. Some weeks ago I filled out a questionnaire, the RAADS-R. Got a score above the autistic threshold, and things sort of just…became apparent. After ten minutes of reading about the actual autistic experience I was relieved and heartbroken to discover that what I was living through all along really did have a name, and was not in fact just me choosing to intentionally lead a more difficult life. So I was 33 when I learned that I am autistic.

Took the RAADS-R questionnaire two weeks ago, and got a score significantly above the threshold. Was kind of stunned for a moment, then hopeful. Then I began reading more about autism, and holy shit I can’t believe its been right there this whole time. A lifetime of feeling alienated and profound unbelonging and the answers were here all along, I just didn’t know where to look.